The Tooth Fairy On Donovan Mitchell
By The Tooth Fairy
Working the graveyard shift and paying money for children’s teeth has its perks, but not this week. Sunday night was disastrous. Jazz-Nuggets Game 4 began at 7pm and I only had time to watch the first quarter before punching the old timecard. First house I entered, a toothless child awoke while I was trying to slip a dime under his pillow and freaked out. His parents called the cops. They showed up and questioned me for an hour while I calmly tried to explain two things: 1) I’m not a pervert and not listed on the sex offender registry; 2) I had other stops to make before I could go home and finish the Jazz game on DVR, SO PLEASE DON’T TELL ME THE SCORE. They said they’d follow me for the rest of my shift — I agreed and plowed onward. For the next few houses, the tooth/money swaps were seamless. I crept into children’s rooms, took bloody teeth from beneath their pillows, and left one dime per tooth. Things were going WELL.
My sixth stop, I heard noise coming from the parents bedroom. I snuck closer and realized it was the Jazz game! Curiosity overtook me. I hovered by the door while ESPN announcers screamed over another 50 point Donovan Mitchell blast and I barged into the room for his climactic bucket, dimes spilling everywhere. Again, the cops were called. This time they weren’t so nice, slapping on the cuffs and emptying my pockets of teeth and dimes alike. It wasn’t until morning that I could scrabble together enough change to post bail and by this time, I was so sour I didn’t even want to watch the Mitchell vs Murray 50 point bonanza. But I did. Because I’m a good Jazz fan. And because I finally got another tooth fairy to cover some of my shifts during the playoffs. And no matter what happens to me at work, no matter how many children/parents scream when I enter their room, Donovan Mitchell will probably be scoring 50 points in honor of fans like me.
Catch Up On The Latest Episodes Of Why Tho?
August 24: The Tooth Fairy Teaches A Lesson On Monetization
The tooth fairy pays for children’s teeth. Why tho? Chris and Clint discuss Fish Lake, third mates, work problems, tooth fairy behavior, the free market, and moccasins.
August 21: If You Eat Too Much, Gout Is On Its Way
Picky eaters love to place complicated food or coffee orders. Why tho? Chris and Clint also discuss Alan Jackson, Paul McCartney, extravagant pizza, tablet ordering, and Santa Claus.
August 20: Get The Hell Out Of Here Before I Pull By Seven-Shooter
Gardening is a common hobby. Why tho? Chris and Clint also discuss paint, seven-shooters, tomatoes, backhoe hands, planter boxes, and watering.
August 19: We Are Swimming In Cash!
Cooking shows are beloved by many. Why tho? Chris and Clint also discuss culinary skills, bed trays, Handy Helper, tinfoil dinners, and cash cows.
August 18: Hefty Harris Goes To The Mall
Heelys are popular footwear for many kids and some adults. Why tho? Chris and Clint also discuss Dr. Suess, a Why Tho cooking series, Hefty Harris, Air Monarchs with wheels, infuriating kid behavior, and tin foil dinners.
To Be The Best, You Must Learn From The Beast
Calling All Honey Bucketeers